Shadows are fallin’ and I’m runnin’ out of breath
Keep me in your heart for a while
If I leave you it doesn’t mean I love you any less
Keep me in your heart for a while

When you get up in the mornin’ and you see that crazy sun
Keep me in your heart for a while
There’s a train leavin’ nightly called “When All is Said and Done”
Keep me in your heart for a while

Sha-lalala-lala-li-lalala-lo
Keep me in your heart for a while
Sha-lalala-lala-li-lalala-lo
Keep me in your heart for a while

Sometimes when you’re doin’ simple things around the house
Maybe you’ll think of me and smile
You know I’m tied to you like the buttons on your blouse
Keep me in your heart for a while

Hold me in your thoughts
Take me to your dreams
Touch me as I fall into view
When the winter comes
Keep the fires lit
And I will be right next to you

Engine driver’s headed north up to Pleasant Stream
Keep me in your heart for a while
These wheels keep turnin’ but they’re runnin’ out of steam
Keep me in your heart for a while

Sha-lalala-lala-li-lalala-lo
Keep me in your heart for a while
Sha-lalala-lala-li-lalala-lo
Keep me in your heart for a while

Keep me in your heart for a while

*a song by Warren Zevon

For those who read this blog…our Mom passed away peacefully at 1:32pm on Christmas Eve.  Karmen, Michael, and I were all with her when she died.  It was quiet when she took her last breath, and she was finally at peace.  The family would like to thank everyone for your prayers and well wishes during this very difficult time.  God Bless.

~ BethAnn

There’s not a lot new to report on Mom.  She has gotten to the point where she’s totally weak.  She spends nearly all of her time in bed and requires help to get to and from the bathroom.  I bet she’s consumed about 200 calories since August. 

The last time I was there, she was weak but was able to stand for a little bit.  Her spirits were still OK although she was tired of being sick and tired.  She invited me to hang out in her bed with her to watch Divine Design on HGTV.  It was our date on a Saturday night.  It will be one of my most special memories of the last chapter with my mother.  We just hung out in bed and did what we both truly enjoy – watching decorating shows.  We didn’t need to talk or do anything else.  We just hung out.  Spending time together.

I was going to head to Fargo this weekend to see her and spend some time.  She didn’t want me to come.  She’s at the point where she’s so tired all the time that she doesn’t have the energy to even think about visiting.  It’s hard to deal with because I want to spend time with her but I can understand where she’s coming from.  We’ve already had the opportunity to talk heart to heart and say our goodbyes.  I gave her a gift of all the things I thought she should know before she died.  It was an outpouring of love from my heart to hers.  It was a thank you card of all the things that I’ve received from her whether she knew it or not.  It was incredibly draining emotionally to compile all the memories and thoughts around them into a tangible object to give her.  I felt so relieved that I got the opportunity to tell her all the things I wanted her to know before she dies.  I think, as a mom, she had to feel validated that she had done her job well and that her efforts and sacrifices were not in vain.  And selfishly, I don’t want to live with any regrets by not having told her everything I need to say. 

So now, she waits.  She is not known to be patient.  And that is an understatement.  She has had all her affairs in order since early summer.  Her funeral is planned, the ham salad recipe she wants served with specific instructions to avoid salt and onion has been emailed to the cook.  The music is compiled, the minister interviewed, the service organized.  Everything is in order from her perspective. 

But this cancer thing is dragging on far longer than Mom gave it permission to.  And she’s PISSED!  Being one to never dilly-dally around, this has got her extremely irritated with the whole thing.  She’s not in a lot of physical pain which is great, but the agony of the wait is getting the best of her.  To add insult to injury, they found out their insurance company is paying an exorbinant amount of money for hospice every month.  A hospice nurse comes maybe once a week for about 20 minutes.  She brings medication but the average payment they are getting per visit is over $1000 and they aren’t doing any of her cares.   They let Michael do everything for her and they collect the payment for making sure she’s cared for.

That?  Is a bitter pill to swallow.

~Karmen

I arrived in Fargo Wednesday and enjoyed the company of Mom and Bop (Michael), and Ken and Bea (Mom’s brother & sister-in-law).  It was a shock for me to see Mom so thin and in a wheel chair.  Later that evening, after I went to bed, Mom got up to use the rest room.  Since she’s so weak and wearing heavy slip-on slippers, she stumbled on the runner in the hall and fell.  Fortunately Bop woke up to her yell and together they got her upright.

We were lucky that she didn’t get badly hurt and broke no bones.  She did get up with a couple of abrasions on her knee and elbow, and today she’s pretty sore on the side she fell.  Since I’m a heavy sleeper, the house could fall down around me and I wouldn’t know.  This was scary.  Mom was the most shaken obviously, and it’s not a laughing matter.  But given she’s okay, she didn’t object to the moniker…”Help I’ve fallen, and I can’t get up!”  From now on she keeps to her chair and we get her to where she needs to go. 

     ~ BethAnn

The kids and I made the trek to Fargo last weekend to visit Mom.   It’s getting harder to see her because she doesn’t look or act much like my mom anymore.  She’s gotten so small and bony.  Her eyes don’t have that twinkle in them, and she is so weak that she’s now using a wheelchair to get from her bedroom to the porch.  It scares the hell out of me to see her this way.  And it makes me sad to think that someday I will go out on her porch and she won’t be there. 

A clock sits on the table next to her chair.  When it was quiet in the house, the clock’s ticking seemed to echo through the room.  I couldn’t stand it - the sound of the seconds, minutes, hours counting down were far too literal. 

One of mom’s sisters was also in town to visit and help with funeral planning.  They got it all figured out –  except we have no idea how many people will show.  It’s so odd to plan a luncheon when you don’t get to decide who to invite.  As bad as mom was feeling, she did enjoy having them visit and was touched by how helpful and generous they are.   Now Mom won’t lay awake at night worrying about sandwiches, bars, and pickles at least! 

Last time we visited, Mom asked me how the kids are dealing with the concept of her dying.  At the time, they didn’t get it.  This past visit made it hit home for them.  Neither of them said anything about it, but tonight after we did bedtime prayers, Jake asked me if Nana made his red and yellow quilt for him by hand.  I said that yes, she did, and she thought about him the whole time she was making it.  I told him that she put her love into every single stitch because she was making it especially for him. 

Oddly, Jake’s literature circle story this week is about a grandma who makes a special quilt for her granddaughter to remember her by.  We had read some of it on our way to reading lessons tonight so I’m sure that’s what prompted his question.   Joey commented that there must be a million stitches in his quilt.  We both agreed that there was a lot of love sewn into one little blanket.  A few minutes later, I heard Joey crying from the top bunk.  “Why does Nana have to die?”, he sobbed.  Jake explained to Joey that she will get to go to heaven to be with God.  And, according to Jake, there aren’t cars in heaven because everybody flies. 

I don’t deal well with my own emotions, how in the world am I going to help these boys with theirs?  Their realization that their grandma is dying,  and their reliance on me to make them feel better, felt like a kick to my gut. 

And then to the back of my head. 

For once in my life I said very little.  I just held Joey’s hand and rubbed it as he sobbed and asked God why he made Nana get cancer.  Once he settled down, I left their room to go fold the mountain of laundry that was covering my bed and blocking my escape from reality.

About 10 minutes into my excavation, Joey appeared in our bedroom sobbing and clutching his green and yellow blanket that Nana had made him.  He crawled up on my lap to cry.  We held each other and cried, he getting my shirt wet, and me dousing his hair in tears.  Neither of us cared.

Finally, I offered to let him lay down and fall asleep in our bed.  We laid down and talked.  I asked him what he wants to remember about Nana.  He said, “Everything”.  Then I asked him to try to pick out some of his favorite Nana memories.  What is his favorite thing about Nana?  “She’s the best grandma in the whole world”, he said. 

“And she loves us like crazy.”

He so gets it. 

And the feeling’s mutual.

Last weekend Mom mentioned that Karmen and I might want to stop doing ths blog.  When I asked why, Mom explained she was upset that some people who refuse to make contact with her are getting all the updates here instead of reaching out a loving arm to embrace her in her time of trouble.

Karmen and I discussed it and are still not sure yet what we plan to do.  The person(s) in question happen to be relatives and I feel Mom’s hurt.  Growing up, visiting these relatives was a refuge for me (and Mom I think), having cousins to play with and a favorite aunt and uncle to dote on me and my sister.  Not having a father who actively participated in our family, it was nice to be around a complete family unit. 

Now I wonder if this love I felt as a child was all fake.  If love between sisters cannot be strong enough to support each other in this trying time, then how can I believe any of it wasn’t from the heart?  I call myself disappointed and hurt, and this experience has tested my limits.  One of my tragic flaws is my lack of patience, and how my Mom has been so easily discarded by family brings into stark relief how one slight like this can build an impenetrable wall to block out false people.

If we decide to continue the blog, you’ll all know by reading the updates.  If not, we’ll post a notice.  I’d like to thank those with true hearts who’ve shown love and support to our family during this most difficult of times.  Thank you and God bless.

I  (Karmen) just came back from 4 days in Fargo.  Mike is doing amazingly well considering he’s sporting a new shoulder and all.  He’s not uncomfortable, the incision looks great, and PT isn’t hurting too bad yet.  I gave him grief about wearing tights and a cape.  It’s a recovery of super-heroic proportions.  Or REALLY good drugs.  I think he’s got a high threshold for pain.  I was thrilled to see him healing so quickly and, other than not being able to drive, getting back to his normal self.

Mom commented that she’s surprised that so many people have been over to visit.  She’s really appreciated seeing everybody and getting caught up with many long lost friends.  As time goes on, she has less energy to take company so it’s nice that she’s gotten so many opportunities to be in touch.

Mom is melting away.  Her arms and legs are so thin.  She’s even got knobby little knees now.   It’s so aggravating because she is hungry and wants to eat but she can’t.  Either she throws up or gets the runs.  Most of her meds get puked up.  She tends to feel OK in the mornings and the day progresses downhill from there.  The good days are coming fewer and farther between now.  She manages to spend some time sitting on the porch watching the neighborhood, but a lot of time is spent in bed either sleeping or resting.  Or building her Sudoku skills.

I am glad Michael is able to be home with her during the days while he’s recuperating.  My friend Kathy continues to check in on them and bring meals over once in a while since Mike can’t drive for another month or two.  She has been Mom’s angel for the past few months and promises me that she is getting more from it than they are. 

I think she’s my angel too. 

 -Karmen

Michael had shoulder replacement surgery today and he’s doing well.  Mom’s talked to him and he’ll be discharged on Wednesday.  Mom’s not feeling well…she hasn’t been able to eat anything.  If she does eat, she throws it up.  Not good.  I’d really like to know if hospice will do anything for her except let her suffer.  It’s not good that she’s losing 3 lbs a weeks.  If she’s not taking anything in, how is she still having bowel movements?  Why can’t they at least give her a B12 shot?  Something!  Lately they only call and don’t stop by.  I mean, I understand they want to make money, but their purpose it so make Mom comfortable.  She’s not comfortable!

I’m hoping beyond hope that the military will get in gear and give me a medical retirement or separation so I can go home and be with M&M.  Whatever happens with me, I just want to be home and worry about job hunting later. 

     ~ BethAnn

We spent last weekend in Fargo visiting Mom and Mike and stirring up trouble while in town.  Boredom is bad for a person, so I made sure to spice things up a bit.  And then I retreated to safety 200 miles away.   That story is here.  With an update here.

Paranoia is starting to kick in because when Beth goes to visit, Mom feels good and has an appetite.  Whenever she knows I’m coming to town, she starts feeling terrible the day or two before my ETA.  If I didn’t KNOW how much she hates being sick, I would think there’s more to this story.   Unfortunately, this just seems to be the nature of the beast.  There are some good days, but mostly, there are bad days. 

Feeling hungry, having stomach pains, and then getting nauseaus on top of everything makes for a bad combination.  Eating is a hit-or-miss proposition.  If Mom can manage to eat something, there’s not any guarantee it will stay down.  She detests throwing up so she’s pretty cautious about what she eats and how she’s feeling afterward.   It’s crazy to see her drop so much weight so quickly.  Her legs are like little bird legs and her arms are getting really thin too.   Her coloring looks good most of the time but it’s apparent she’s not her old feisty self. 

Watching Mike and the kids build stuff out of wood is how we spent most of the weekend.  Mark watered plants and did some weeding.  I mostly hung out and watched everybody play or work.  I’m good at that.  And it usually keeps me out of trouble. 

I’m worried about how everything is going to get take care of once Mike has his shoulder surgery.  He’ll be out of commission for at least 3 weeks and Mom doesn’t have the energy to cook or do housework.  My friend, Kathy, is willing to check in on them and pick up groceries and stuff.  I’m so thankful for her and her willingness to help us out.  

For now, it’s still day to day, taking what we get, feeling how we feel and dealing with whatever comes at us.  Hopefully Mom will have a lot more good days ahead.

I spent just over five days with Mom and Bop and had a great time.  Mom looks good, though thinner, and she hasn’t begun to resemble a banana (no jaundice).  She managed to eat and keep food down most of the time I was there, and Karmen seems to think it’s because of me.  I just think she couldn’t resist the Omaha steaks, potatoes and asparagus I grilled for them. 

Mom’s sister Peggy and Peg’s hubby Bob were in town so we spent a few afternoons on the porch or patio jawing.  Admittedly, my attention span wains when they start yammering about the old days or restaurants or who’s doing what, etc.  It must be my ADD (though I don’t have the attention span to get tested).  So I managed to finish reading a 1,100 page book in the time I was there.  Between running errands, having dinner with Dad (who was in town), and meeting Karmen’s friend Wenger, the days flew by.  Mom and I would sit up late ‘partying’ on the front porch, and then nap during the day.  It’s always fun catching up with Mom, even though there’s never really anything new to discuss, we seem to find good points of interest to dissect.

Karmen and I decided it was time for M&M to move into the 21st century and get cable, and we arranged for them to get Direct TV.  They’ll both need something better to watch when Bop is recovering from shoulder replacement surgery (coming up on 11 Aug).  This way, Mom can watch her home shows, and Bop his crime shows.  Better way to pass the time than a fuzzy picture of Cops or the judge shows!

For the record, I drastically scaled back on my doting, though I did push a bottle of water in her hand when I noted her pee was too yellow (they go by the adage, ‘if it’s yellow let it mellow, if it’s brown flush it down’).  I was bouied by her good spirits and appetite.  Karmen, Mark and the boys are going to be town this Friday night to visit and celebrate Karm’s birthday (which is the 27th), so there’s more company for Mom to be up for!