I don’t know what to do or expect.  It’s driving me crazy.  Ignoring the obvious just isn’t working for me anymore.  I like to deal with things head-on and I don’t feel like I’m getting any traction with this cancer business.  I feel like there’s a big old elephant in the middle of the room and we are all pretending we don’t see it and that it doesn’t stink to high hell.

Mom is eating less and less and is feeling more weak and tired by the day.   She doesn’t talk much about the prospect of dying, but she’s cleaning out every nook and cranny of the house and getting her affairs in order.   It’s the only thing she seems to have any control over in her life these days, so I can’t blame her for doing it although it makes me uneasy.  And sad.

I contacted Dr. T, the Oncologist, last week.  Her compassion and willingness to advocate for my mom is wonderful.  We talked about the effectiveness of Nexavar and the contradiction in the therapy versus quality of life.  It, quite simply, is making Mom miserable every day with nausea and vomiting.  I posed the question about whether the benefits outweigh the side effects.  I’m sure Mom and the Dr. will discuss this during mom’s next appointment.  It’s great that the clinic has a patient information password and consent program for family members to access medical information on behalf of the patient, or get clarification for themselves.  I requested some insight about Mom’s symptoms of fatigue, nausea, inability to eat, and discomfort in the liver area and what these things mean.  Are they part of the disease process or more related to the treatment?  Dr. T is going to do another CT scan on Tuesday to see what is going on and what impact the radiation had on decreasing the size of the adrenal mass.  She assured me that she would have much more information to go on once she sees an updated scan.  I’m happy that Mom has a doctor she is comfortable with and feels listens to her.  I think my mom has a less aggressive approach to treatment than some may have, and I believe Dr. T will support my mom’s wishes.

I’ve had a number of conversations with people about death and dying lately and have come to a little realization.  Either you lose people by having them suddenly stripped from your life and you don’t get a chance to say good-bye or prepare for it.  The other scenario is that you get clues and warnings that you may need to prepare to lose that person.  What you do with those clues is up to you.  Although neither choice is ideal, it’s what you get.  I guess the ideal is to live in such a state of peace with everybody in your life that you are perpetually ready to lose them if something were to happen.

My wish is to make the best of what time we’ve got left and to take advantage of the gift we’ve been given to be at peace with each other, ourselves, and our God.   Hopefully we’ll be able to work through the pain and the words to make this an amazing journey that we will all be enriched by in the end.