There’s not a lot new to report on Mom.  She has gotten to the point where she’s totally weak.  She spends nearly all of her time in bed and requires help to get to and from the bathroom.  I bet she’s consumed about 200 calories since August. 

The last time I was there, she was weak but was able to stand for a little bit.  Her spirits were still OK although she was tired of being sick and tired.  She invited me to hang out in her bed with her to watch Divine Design on HGTV.  It was our date on a Saturday night.  It will be one of my most special memories of the last chapter with my mother.  We just hung out in bed and did what we both truly enjoy – watching decorating shows.  We didn’t need to talk or do anything else.  We just hung out.  Spending time together.

I was going to head to Fargo this weekend to see her and spend some time.  She didn’t want me to come.  She’s at the point where she’s so tired all the time that she doesn’t have the energy to even think about visiting.  It’s hard to deal with because I want to spend time with her but I can understand where she’s coming from.  We’ve already had the opportunity to talk heart to heart and say our goodbyes.  I gave her a gift of all the things I thought she should know before she died.  It was an outpouring of love from my heart to hers.  It was a thank you card of all the things that I’ve received from her whether she knew it or not.  It was incredibly draining emotionally to compile all the memories and thoughts around them into a tangible object to give her.  I felt so relieved that I got the opportunity to tell her all the things I wanted her to know before she dies.  I think, as a mom, she had to feel validated that she had done her job well and that her efforts and sacrifices were not in vain.  And selfishly, I don’t want to live with any regrets by not having told her everything I need to say. 

So now, she waits.  She is not known to be patient.  And that is an understatement.  She has had all her affairs in order since early summer.  Her funeral is planned, the ham salad recipe she wants served with specific instructions to avoid salt and onion has been emailed to the cook.  The music is compiled, the minister interviewed, the service organized.  Everything is in order from her perspective. 

But this cancer thing is dragging on far longer than Mom gave it permission to.  And she’s PISSED!  Being one to never dilly-dally around, this has got her extremely irritated with the whole thing.  She’s not in a lot of physical pain which is great, but the agony of the wait is getting the best of her.  To add insult to injury, they found out their insurance company is paying an exorbinant amount of money for hospice every month.  A hospice nurse comes maybe once a week for about 20 minutes.  She brings medication but the average payment they are getting per visit is over $1000 and they aren’t doing any of her cares.   They let Michael do everything for her and they collect the payment for making sure she’s cared for.

That?  Is a bitter pill to swallow.

~Karmen